At a quarterly meeting, my manager’s eyes scanned the room and settled on me. They said “Can you lead the Decoration Committee for the annual gala?”
Internally, I hesitated. The task had no alignment with my professional growth and I knew it would be time consuming. But, I found myself nodding in agreement and saying, “Sure, I’ll take it on.”
As the meeting dispersed, a familiar weight settled on my chest. There I was, silently berating myself for once again stepping into the familiar territory of ‘yes’ when every fiber of me had screamed ‘no’.
It’s no secret that women executives face an intricate array of challenges. Among these is one that doesn’t often make headlines but lurks in the shadows of our day-to-day interactions — the ‘disease to please’.
If you’ve ever caught yourself saying ‘yes’ when deep in your heart you wanted to say ‘no’, you’re familiar with this ailment.
Why is it that women executives often feel compelled to play the role of the perpetual pleaser?
Find the full transcript and other resources for women leaders at http://www.livingwhileleading.com/11
The Influences That Impact Women Leaders’ Compulsion to Please
For countless women leaders, the inclination to continually appease others is more than just habit—it’s a deeply ingrained response. Let’s unravel the roots of this behavior and the powerful influences that have shaped your decision-making.
- From early childhood, girls are educated in the virtue of being ‘good“. This cultural conditioning leads to an understanding that your worth is somehow intertwined with your ability to be accommodating and agreeable.
With time, these lessons become embedded in the psyche, creating an almost reflexive urge to please, particularly in challenging environments.
- Within the fast-pace of the corporate world, there’s an unsettling notion that saying ‘no’ could equate to missing a pivotal opportunity. This fear of missing out, also known as the FOMO Factor, becomes a strong pull towards the habit of saying ‘yes’.
- The pressure to counteract biases in male dominated spaces can be intense and lead to overcompensation. The thinking goes, “if I‘m constantly agreeable, I‘m more likely to avoid these pitfalls and be liked.”
How People Pleasing Can Diminish Women Executives’ Personal and Professional Value
One of the gravest costs of habitual people-pleasing is the steady erosion of your authentic self. Each ‘yes’ that stems not from genuine agreement but from the desire to please, chips away at your authenticity. Over time, you risk becoming a stranger to yourself.
Sidelining your needs and desires to bend to the whims of others can develop into quiet resentment. This discontent can escalate and strain relationships, cloud your judgement and affect your mental state.
In an ironic twist, your attempts to be perpetually accommodating and agreeable, can dilute how others perceive your value. By not establishing clear boundaries, you inadvertently signal that your time, skills, and well-being aren’t priorities. This can unintentionally lead to diminishing your stature.
Strategies for Women IT Executives to Assert Their Worth
In your quest for professional success, you may have fallen prey to this disease. You’re desire to seek harmony is commendable but you understand that perpetual people-pleasing doesn’t always serve you well.
Here are 5 key strategies to break free from this cycle.
- The Power of Introspection: The journey to overcoming the ‘disease to please’ begins with the ability to look inward.
Understand the core drivers behind this impulse. Is it a childhood narrative? A fear of being left out? Or perhaps a reaction to corporate biases? Pinpointing the root allows for targeted interventions, enabling you to genuinely transform.
- Embrace the Power of ‘No’: Your ability to say ‘no’ will be a game-changer. This isn’t about obstruction or inflexibility. Instead, it’s about recognizing and asserting your worth.
Saying ‘no’ to one thing often means saying ‘yes’ to something of higher value—be it another professional opportunity or personal well-being.
- Regular Feedback as an Anchor: Instead of seeking validation through perpetual agreeability, pivot to seeking regular, constructive feedback.
This not only offers clarity on areas of strength and improvement but also diminishes the need for external validation through constant accommodation.
- Reinforce Self-worth: Remind yourself of your achievements, your worth, and your unique value proposition. By regularly reinforcing your self-worth, the external pressure to please will diminish.
If needed, create a repository of positive affirmations, feedback, or accomplishments, and revisit it, especially during moments of doubt.
- Foster a Supportive Network: Cultivate a network of allies and confidants who understand and support your journey away from excessive people-pleasing.
Their insights, shared experiences, and encouragement will be invaluable. This network will also serve as a safety net, providing perspective when you falter.
The ‘disease to please’ is a silent adversary, yet its impact reverberates loudly. Combating this habit demands deliberate effort.
Set firm boundaries even when it feels daunting. Reassert your self-worth, reclaim your autonomy, and chart a confident path forward!
Remember, you’re the solution to claiming what’s important to you!
